True Facts about U.S. Presidents

James Madison was the original author of the U.S. Constitution. He also created the cartoon strip Shoe.

Andrew Johnson, the first president to be impeached, was born Andrew Watley. He earned the surname by having a huge member.

Rutherford B. Hayes was historically our shortest president. He was nineteen feet tall (the minimum to run for the office).

In an alternate reality in which Texas billionaire oilman H. Ross Perot was successfully elected president, America is known as the Pacifatlantic Ocean.

Chuck Norris ran in the 1964 Republican primary. He conceded the election to Senator Barry Goldwater after deciding "I have better shit to do." Senator Goldwater went on to lose to Lyndon Baines Johnson in the biggest landslide defeat in presidential election history. Chuck Norris went on to win six Oscars for his performance in Sophie's Choice.

Calvin Coolidge was a complete dick to everyone he knew. He also threw like a girl.

William Howard Taft was the only U.S. President to go on to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, a fact that got him laid on the daily.

That wheelchair that Franklin Delanoe Roosevelt rolled around in was a total affectation. The fedora, spectacles and cigarette holder were all part of his head.

Abraham Lincoln was assasinated by John Wilkes Booth. That both men were probably gay is the only other thing I remember about that incident (more a fact about me, really).

Grover Cleveland was the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms of office, which remains the only interesting thing about him.

Andrew Jackson is considered the first "populist president" causing elder statesman Henry Clay to opine that the election was "just a big populistarity contest." Jackson killed Clay and anyone else who got in his way. That was his direct route to immortalization on the twenty-dollar bill.

William Henry Harrison delivered the longest innauguration address: over four hours in the pouring rain. He contracted pneumonia as a result and died on his thirtieth day in office. That is actually true.