Sunday, February 19, 2006

True Facts about U.S. Presidents

James Madison was the original author of the U.S. Constitution. He also created the cartoon strip Shoe.

Andrew Johnson, the first president to be impeached, was born Andrew Watley. He earned the surname by having a huge member.

Rutherford B. Hayes was historically our shortest president. He was nineteen feet tall (the minimum to run for the office).

In an alternate reality in which Texas billionaire oilman H. Ross Perot was successfully elected president, America is known as the Pacifatlantic Ocean.

Chuck Norris ran in the 1964 Republican primary. He conceded the election to Senator Barry Goldwater after deciding "I have better shit to do." Senator Goldwater went on to lose to Lyndon Baines Johnson in the biggest landslide defeat in presidential election history. Chuck Norris went on to win six Oscars for his performance in Sophie's Choice.

Calvin Coolidge was a complete dick to everyone he knew. He also threw like a girl.

William Howard Taft was the only U.S. President to go on to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, a fact that got him laid on the daily.

That wheelchair that Franklin Delanoe Roosevelt rolled around in was a total affectation. The fedora, spectacles and cigarette holder were all part of his head.

Abraham Lincoln was assasinated by John Wilkes Booth. That both men were probably gay is the only other thing I remember about that incident (more a fact about me, really).

Grover Cleveland was the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms of office, which remains the only interesting thing about him.

Andrew Jackson is considered the first "populist president" causing elder statesman Henry Clay to opine that the election was "just a big populistarity contest." Jackson killed Clay and anyone else who got in his way. That was his direct route to immortalization on the twenty-dollar bill.

William Henry Harrison delivered the longest innauguration address: over four hours in the pouring rain. He contracted pneumonia as a result and died on his thirtieth day in office. That is actually true.

15 comments:

Katie said...

I have nothing to say yet but...

FIRST

colin_cristopher said...

nixon rode a unicycle. FACT.

Alyx said...

FACT: The people of the United States would respect government more if President's Day was considered a work off holiday. If we can't get our mail or go to the bank, then by God, we shouldn't have to work (unless we get time and a half)

or go to school for that matter...

Slappy said...

FACT: Jimmy Carter is actually the greatest player in NBA history, simultaneously holding the record for career asststs, rebounds and points, as well as averaging a quadruple double every year of his illustrious career. Unfortunately, all of his records were expunged due to his involvement in point shaving scandal. He then chose to enter politics, and the rest is history.

Jimmy said...

Nixon cock blocked my Dad with his unicycle! FACT.

A. Darcy said...

OTHER facts....

Not Morse code....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-Ching

Medical thingies...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caduceus

Scott and Steve said...

Franklin Pierce actually forgot he was president during his time in office. As a duty to the people of America, Congress used memory erasing agents to erase Pierce from everyone's memory. Everyone except Thomas Dobson, editor of the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Slappy said...

FACT: Woodrow Wilson was a douche.

Slappy said...

FACT: Ulysses S Grant was an opium fiend. After weeks long opium induced hazes, he would emerge refusing to wear pants. The Secret Service was actually created to hold up cardboard cutouts of pants in front of and behind President Grant whilst he appeared in public.

Scott and Steve said...

:) good Slappy.

Alyx said...

FACT:In warm weather, 6th president of the United States John Quincy Adams customarily went skinny-dipping in the Potomac River before dawn.

FACT:John Tyler, 10th U.S. president, fathered 15 children (more than any other president)--8 by his first wife, and 7 by his second wife. Tyler was past his seventieth birthday when his 15th child was born. And he was so close to owning his own basketball team!

FACT:17th U.S. president Andrew Johnson never attended school. His future wife, Eliza McCardle, taught him to write at the age of 17, proof that you can get an education outside of a government institution.

FACT:The teddy bear derived from 26th U.S. president Theodore ("Teddy") Roosevelt's refusal to shoot a bear with her cub while on a hunting trip in Mississippi.

Coincendentally, F.A.O. Schwartz is now in the process of marketing "Cheney Birds," or stuffed quail.

FACT:George W. Bush, 43rd president of the United States, and his wife Laura got married just three months after meeting each other. He denies being under the influence for two of them.

Shannon said...

FACT: If the president were the longest recorded flight of a chicken, he would be thirteen seconds.

Ralph- said...

FACT: Mr. Henry drives a Jaguar

Scott and Steve said...

FACT: Dignan, the picture's not doing it for me right now.

Slappy said...

Fact: As much as I love Wes Anderson, I find it odd I've never seen Bottlerocket.